KFC is open on Christmas Day

legit

302B Great North Rd

I’m super shit at Christmas. Like shopping and stuff I mean. Actually I’m pretty useless at Christmas Day come to think of it – the last two years I’ve had to take a little break during family Christmas and nip off to bed and take a mini sleep.

Traditionally it’s taken a frantic blast of late night shopping. Late night Christmas mall shopping is the worst: rushed, stressed, and congested traffic. I’m not coping well - flustered, sweaty, hungry, shop assistants are asking me if I need help – which I do, but clearly not the type of help they can give me.

Spread the Christmas Love.

There's the goodie sacks.

I don’t want you to experience what I experienced... So we’re going to make your Christmas Shopping even easier by keeping the store open till 9pm tonight, and make it even cooler by giving away some gear. TONIGHT ONLY - come in to the showroom after 7pm and the first three customers who ask “CAN I HAVE SACK?” will get a SANTA SACK of all sorts of goodies for your troubles.

There's my face.

Christmas Debauchery

Sorry it’s taken so long to report back with the results from the Christmas Party on Friday, but I just can’t handle hangovers like I used to… I’ve spent the last few days just wallowing away feeling like someone made me do 18 shots of petrol.

The Christmas Party was highly anticipated this year, with the largest attendance ever recorded – a testament to our rapid growth this year. And it didn’t disappoint. It was a night of drama, competition, revelation and romance. But first, a recap of the amazing race challenge. Turns out my predictions were spot on.

Team A: 2nd
Joe, Andy, Rob, Andrea.
Early predictions of underhand tactics proved correct when the opening task of putting together a puzzle resulted in Joe and Andy ambushing Team B and destroying their almost completed puzzle. While they performed several tasks with aplomb and admirably attended every checkpoint on time, they just weren’t good enough in the end.

Team B: 3rd=
Jay, Hayden, Jared, Matt.
Exceeded expectations by even making it out of the bar and ticking a few tasks off the list. Unfortunately that only lasted about 20 minutes before they were back at the bar – where they set about working their way through the shots menu – missing every checkpoint along the way. Only got kicked out of one bar, which is a sensible effort all things considered.

Team C: 1st
Mel, Sarah, Francesca, Phil.
We don’t really know how they did it, but they did. The power puff girls dominated from start to finish displaying enthusiasm, determination and organization. Not exactly a crowd favorite, but congratulations are in order. Seeing Phil kiss his medal all night made us sick.

After that we went back to work for a few drinks, before heading out to Monsoon Poon for one of the most delicious meals we’ve ever had. Thanks Monsoon Poon – we endorse what you do. A night on the tiles followed at Casette9 and later Honey Bar. We lost a few along the way, and Saturday morning work sucked, but we got it done.

Highlights of the night:

• Jared spewing
• Hayden in a skimpy little white dress
• Jared spewing again

Christmas Party Predictions

So we’ve got our Christmas party today. And there’s only one thing I love more than Christmas Parties, and that’s Weddings. Nohomo - I just love whipping off the tie and putting it around my head for the dance portion of the evening.

In 2007 we went to the Mexican café and got drunk and then did some Karaoke, which was a blast. Last year we got drunk and then went to Spookers, which again was a blast.

So this year we’re doing an Amazing Race type deal where we cavort around the CBD looking for clues and stuff like that. Which we will be doing drunk. There are three teams, and the razzing has already begun. A healthy rivalry is developing, so I thought I’d take a closer look at the teams and their credentials.

TEAM A

Members: Hayden, Mat, Jay, and Jarred
Captain: Jay
Strengths: Underdogs for obvious reasons; their understated preparation means they’re a team not to be ignored, partly because there are only two other teams.
Weakness: A penchant for getting hammered drunk could see this team spending a large portion of this competition up a tree with a 12 box each playing ‘possum’. A realistic outcome.
Media Tag: Party boys with no fear and nothing to lose, except their police diversions.
Prediction: Unlikely victors, they’re quick on their feet and are unlikely to be phased by pressure or time restrictions. 3rd

TEAM B

Members: Joe, Andy, Rob, Andrea
Captain: Joe
Strengths: Several ‘Captain of Industry’ types; there’s certainly a competitive streak in Team B.
Weaknesses: Arrogance, in which they possess an abundant amount. Andy’s reluctance to break a sweat, resulting in muscle loss. And the big question; can Andrea step out of big bro Robs shadow and make a contribution.
Media Tag: Pompous men unafraid of using underhand tactics. They talk a lot but it remains to be seen if it’s all bullshit.
Prediction: The tactical nous of Andy, the silent leadership style of Joe and the can-do attitude of Rob should see them competing for a top three spot. 2nd

TEAM C

Members: Francesca, Sarah, Mel, Phil
Captain: Mel
Strengths: With a particularly female presence, this team undoubtedly has drive and organisation the other teams lack. They’ve copped a lot of pre-party criticism – motivation. In Mel they have a competent leader.
Weaknesses: With Phil being the only guy, there is already a click developing. Key will be gelling and using all the attributes of each member. Three girls and very little physical strength may count against them.
Media Tag: Power Puff Girls. And Phil.
Prediction: They’re not expected to perform, but their heart, determination and systemisation could see them take this out. 1st

The Rat

On Monday we were having our office meeting, just sitting around. We were all performing our usual tasks.

• Andy was cutting the calluses off his hands with scissors
• Joe was doodling some diddles on his pad
• I was thinking about how I need to tan my thighs more for summer
• Mel was waiting patiently with her little note pad in hand like a good student of PR
• Rob’s head was buzzing like an ADHD child about to explode after his brainstorming session.

So we got started when suddenly out the corner of his eye, Rob noticed a RAT stroll in from the showroom through the office and under the couch. Resembling a well-rehearsed Mexican wave, Rob leading the way, we all jumped on to our seats and/or closest piece of furniture that took us closer to the heavens and bellowed out a series of high-pitched expletives - perhaps in a bid to deafen the scampering vermin.

Real Men taking care of bidness.

Personally, I had the toes out that day so no way was I putting the flippers down on ground level to get chewed off. This rat was BIG. And it was quick. So we called in the reinforcements. Hayden came in from out back armed with a rubber mallet, a cricket bat, two of those leveler sticks that builders use and promptly proclaimed his intent “Fuck it, I’ll just kill it”...

It was hysteria; everyone had a prod, I ran out in to the warehouse, Joe stepped on it and it ran over his size 13 foot, it climbed up one of the computers, Andy ignored it and went back to work, and we finally settled on the tactic of luring it in to a cardboard box. We felt this would cut down on blood splatter, risk of infection, and utilise Mel’s lightning reflexes.

We won. Joe and Rob directed the Rat in to the box for Mel to trap and after performing a ritualistic celebratory dance; we released the beast on to Great North Rd. With that, the Rat skipped out of the box and sprinted up Great North Rd and in to the Car Dealership next door. We wish him well and thank him for the most entertaining meeting of our lives.

Happy Birthday Andrea

A big happy Birthday to young Andrea who turned 20 today!

Rob’s new initiative on Birthdays is to buy the whole office lunch. It’s really awesome and the last few months have brought with it a glut of Murder Burger and Hell Pizza to celebrate Joes, mine (Jay), and now Andrea’s Birthdays.

So well done Andrea, and thanks for the lovely Murder Burger. Here’s a little picture celebration of Andrea. Andrea loves going to dance parties, drinking at places like Shadows Bar n Grill, and modeling Mr Vintage t-shirts… as you can tell.

naughty jayden

facial.

This is a picture of my nephews. In this particular photo, Jayden is eye-gouging the shit out of Nikhil. he looks quite happy doing it. It’s my favourite photo at the moment, and it makes me smile. my brothers and me do our best to encourage this healthy rivalry whenever possible. It’s funny, Nikhil smiles and gets all happy when he sees Jayden, but Jayden refuses to look him in the eyes. It’s intense; it reminds me of Kane and The Undertaker from WWF before they were friends again. man I love the Undertaker. What an athlete.

Bloody ol Chappelli

1 February 1981. NZ Vs Aus. Melbourne Cricket Ground. Match 3 of 5 with the series level at 1-1. Final ball. NZ need a 6 to win. Captain Greg Chappell quickly consults the Devil. Greg orders brother Trevor to bowl an underarm ball. Trevor delivers the cowardly roll, and quickly makes his way to the changing room – clasping two one-way tickets to hell for him and his big bro. A dark day for all concerned.

Apparently Trevor later in his career had a breakdown. Oh well.



And yeah, we made this Chappelli t-shirt today. Pretty neat.

Hell awaits

Satan's got the little goatee and everything.

It’s a crappy thing to say, I know, but I reckon it’s a pretty fair bet that this kid will spend some time in Hell at some point in her life. Which sucks for her seeing as she'll be joined by this Ed-Hardy wearing twat whilst down there. gutted.

cock.

New Year's

At this party the other day I had the pleasure of unwittingly taking in a group of teenagers discussing their New Years plans. What are you doing for new years. Where are you going new years. Yeah I totally wanted to go there. Oh my gosh Hannah is going there and she’s such a bitch so I’m totally not going there. Yeah New Years. New Years. New Years.

So here’s what we’re doing for New Years. Totally.

Rob: Attending a Dance Party called ‘Lowlife’ at Matakana, or ‘Mata-Chaos’ as him and his teenage friends call it.
Andy: Unconfirmed. Probably wherever ‘The Feelers’ are playing.
Jay: Somewhere up north, on account of owning half of it.
Joe: Gisborne, and yes. He will be signing autographs and hosting story telling sessions about the ‘big smoke’.
Andrea: Following in the footsteps of big brother Rob. Matakana. Lay off the drugs.
Hayden: Australia. In a ditch using a bottle of vodka for a pillow. Joined by a lady in a cocktail dress of course.
Melanie: Coromandel Gold with her Fiancé Steve. She plans on using the time to do some “wedding planning”.
Phil: "Probably just camping somewhere". Hippie.
Francesca: Just to old New York for her.
Mat: Somewhere wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt and sporting a fake tan.
Sarah: I have no idea what kids like her do these days.

I chose this picture because it just screams 'New Year's'.

a potatoe shark

The other day on facebook this guy I know Nilesh did a status update.

“if you type potatoe shark in google, and search images there will be a potatoe with a shark face. God I love the internet”

So I searched ‘potatoe shark’ and sure enough there’s a potaoe with a shark face. It’s really awesome. look.

Nilesh is so funny. We call him Mex (on account of him looking like a Mexican) but he’s actually Indian, as the name Nilesh might suggest. But he does look Mexican. This photo I've added is from this engagement party we went to the other day. There I tasted the most delicious spicy pizza. oh my goodness.

Mex. Actually Indian.